I'm yet to shed tears for mom!

The morning had begun at 0530 hrs for me, today. I was ready to kick off the ceremony but Mani was late by about 20', as usual!

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The immortal lines from Poonthaanam's 'Njaanappaana' was wafting through the loudspeakers of a nearby temple. Its famous line highlighting the fallibility of life viz. "Kandu kandennirikkum janangale kandillennu varuthunnathum bhawan.".......Roughly translated, the people who are seen around cease to be seen, courtesy you, my Lord! 

So very appropriate to the occasion!!

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A crow sat in attendance on the mango tree, right at the beginning, unlike what it was during the past two days. I was thrilled and Mani kept repeating to it that it would be provided food shortly. It followed us to the spot where I'd left the day's offering and swooped in for its feed, leaving us thrilled!

Actually, the crows had taken a couple of days to realise that food was available at this spot and from now on, they'll come every morning till the last day or even beyond till they realise that the source of food has ceased to exist!

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Vishnu and Benoy, of the JSS, Kollam, had come with the documents for my signatures. They should now be able to pay the salaries to our team, before Onam and after the return of the Director, from Delhi, tomorrow.

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I realise that I haven't shed tears for my mom as yet, wonder why? Is it because I was privy to the extreme agony that she was going through while at the ICU? Her sideways glance at me when I called out to her to fight it out, haunts me still, as I stood helpless without being of any support to her at that critical juncture.


Tailpiece.

1. The medical practitioner from the nearby Athira Clinic, who'd helped my parents with their minor medical ailments in the past, had dropped by to offer his condolences. It was he who said that mom must have undergone a breakdown of the central nervous system and consequentially, suffered multiple organ failures within a short period - a medical situation, often faced by elderly people! He was voluble in his admiration for my mom's stoic nature and sense of humour.

2. Ammu, Lekha and Sanil had gone to Ayur in the afternoon, to look up Sanil's mom who has been depressed and sad after seeing the lifeless body of my mom last Sunday. Enroute, Ammu had gone into the post office at Kottarakkara to post a letter to one of mom's admirers and in the process met Unni, the postman, whose first stint was with my mom, years back. Perhaps, this meeting was ordained by her to ensure his presence this Sunday, when the 7th day ceremony takes place! 

Snippets.

1. Why didn't the crows fetch up?

I was up and awake by a half past 4. Sleep was comfortable but I'd got on with my chores to be on time for the ceremony, scheduled to start at 6. Mani fetched up late by about 20', was profusely apologetic and without much ado, had begun with the proceedings. The cooking of the rice on a makeshift stove of stones, mixed thoroughly with milk and curd for the offering, was rolled into three differing balls and placed on a banana leaf. Clapping with my wet hands, the crows were invited to pick up the balls of rice but alas, none had come.

Mani's explanation, "Sir, these days the population of the crows is dwindling. Don't worry!" To me it was a source of mirth but I controlled my reactions with a poker face. This guy, definitely, has a good sense of humour!

But the fact was that the crows didn't fetch up and it was the same case yesterday, too! But some thing or the other had kept me occupied and I hadn't monitored the subsequent disposal of the offerings! ...........Is mom's soul unhappy?

2. A train of people.

There was a train of people today, who'd expressed various shades of emotions at the passing away of my mom and there was a thread of connectivity through each of their narrations simply proving the larger-than-life persona of Chandramathykutty Amma, the eldest daughter of the legendary PN Panicker and wife of the quiet yet resolute KK Nair. Here are a few sound bytes:-

  (a) Rajan. He was my mom's campaign manager when she'd stood for the panchayat elections
        in 2005. Teary eyed, he still considers that the verdict - she'd lost by a paltry 9 votes - was
        unfair. He recalled as to how she'd cared for each of her team and insisted that they wouldn't
        resort to foul means to win. He remembers her speeches laden with humour and full of reason.

  (b) Gopala Panicker. The 85 year old gentleman used to tap our rubber trees once upon a time and           escort my dad on his trips/errands whenever amma was not accompanying him. He was shocked         that his prediction about a break in her life line would come true, too fast!

  (c) Thaazhvara Gopi sir. 72 year old ex-school teacher had begun as a young lad, in his late teens,
        with PN Panicker while he was trail blazing the Library Movement. They used to pay numerous
        visits to Raj Nivas and he talks of the hospitality provided at the house by 'Amma'.


Tailpiece.

Venu and Molly had come to offer their condolences. There were many others who'd called, sent messages and mail expressing their sadness at her passing away.
                 
                 

  

Amma, why did you've to leave us?

I'd dozed off for about a hour and a half, towards the wee hours of the morning, despite my best efforts to keep awake and give company to mom. I was given a shake up at a half past 5 by my little niece as I'd directed. It was to get ready early to receive the people who'd started filing past my mom and thank each one of them.

The love of the people that my mom was always aware and proud of, was clearly on show. The way many broke down on seeing her was a touching sight, some of them had felt me, clutched my hand and even hugged me - was it their way to reestablish contact with my mom through my person? I wonder! I was seeing quite a few of my relations after what seemed to be a long time. Grief was simply all pervading.

The ceremony started on the dot at 10, with Mani - he's actually Manian but I'd told him that I'd call him thus as it sounded cute and he smilingly gave his assent without hesitation! - steering me through the procedure. Mom was taken out of the bubble and made to lie on the huge banana leaf, after a bath given by the ladies, except for her daughters. After a huge crowd had placed rose petals on the body, I
was on task, leading the ceremony, while taking the body to the pyre.

Meanwhile the cremation spot had been prepared beside dad's as mom had always desired. By about a 10' to 11, her earthly form was shrouded permanently and had become memory. I'd cleaned up her face as directed, planted my last kiss on her cheeks when I noticed a fresh speck of blood beneath the right nostril, rekindling hopes of her 'waking up' - the reverie was brutally cut short by Mani who said that the auspicious moment had arrived!

The lit torches were placed at the head(Me), the middle(My younger Maman) and the feet(My elder Maman) and we soon saw the tongues of flame engulfing mom's body till it became a uniform bed of fire! I'd gone back to thank everyone, who'd come to grace the occasion by their presence with an earnest 'namaste'!

The traditional breaking of the earthenware pot, full of water, followed by the offerings to the spirit - depicted by the crows - was, then, carried out after the special procedure!

The huge conglomeration of people who'd come to attend the function started melting away. A few among them had stayed on for lunch, catered to a limited audience. The majority of the family had started moving away after lunch, while a few others wanted to linger!


Tailpiece.

Amma, why did you've to leave us so soon? 

Mom bids us farewell.

Mom required my help at 0130 hrs as she'd wet herself. The diapers that our maid had helped her wear before supper was askew and she felt apologetic that she was bothering me. I'd changed the bed linen and changed her clothes too. The same task was repeated at 4 AM too but she'd a completely relaxed night compared to the previous couple of nights.

I found her sleeping peacefully in the morning as I went about activating the house. I was by now certain that she was back to normal. How far I was from reality was something that I was gonna realise within a short while.....

Though she was initially reluctant to have a complete bath, she decided to go along with it and had her tea and biscuits. And then, things began to careen out of control!

I saw a profusely sweating mom complaining of discomfort in whichever position she tried to put herself in. It was a flash decision and I took her to the hospital.

The staff at the Rajah hospital was standing by for mom because its proprietor and my neighbour had alerted everyone. She was shifted into the Casualty where it was found that her blood pressure was abnormally low and her ECG showed a variation. I was hoping that she'd get to be normal once the bottle of saline drip - connected up during her short stay out there - was into her system!

She was quickly shifted into the cardiology ICU while she kept asking me to take her home. It was the cardiologist who gave me the bad news to inform the near and dear ones because:-

  (a) Her blood pressure was low.
  (b) She was having trouble in breathing.
  (c) Her urine output was zero.

I was allowed to see her and the sight saddened me. She was breathing harshly and I realised that she was in difficulty. I called out to her and showed an action to fight. She looked at me for one last time. At 1158 hrs, through a gap in the partition in the curtains, I saw them trying to revive mom and my world came tumbling down.

The lady who'd suffered pain to give birth to your's truly had passed into the mist of time!

She'd always expressed a desire to rest beside dad but had given me an 'anticipatory bail' citing my grandfather's action on the death of his mother who used to tell him that she shouldn't be cremated at the public crematorium at Thycaud, Thiruvananthapuram and instead, to be laid to rest at the backyard of the ancestral Puthuvayil House at Neelamperoor, near Chenganasserry. Muthachhan must have gone about it practically - he was very fond of his mom - because in '60, the ambulance facilities weren't as it is now....... I'd no hesitation and requested my neighbour, who'd arranged for the freezer ambulance. The 73 year old Abdul Rahim Rajah - I call him 'Ikka' - did the following on the basis of our friendship:-

     (a) He'd discreetly told the hospital staff not to offer any bill for mom's treatment.
     (b) Since he wasn't keeping well, he'd sent Mrs. Rajah and his sister-in-law to offer
           condolences at the hospital and his son, to ensure that the cortege left for Kottarakkara
           without glitches.

He used to tell me that he'd come by to meet mom and she did expect him, taunting me, "Your friend is yet to meet me". Was he feeling guilty for not being able to do so, I wonder?


Tailpiece.

The freezer ambulance rushed from Guruvayur to my parents''s place. Two things happened enroute:-

  (a) The driver, Mohsin, stopped at Kakkazham for easing himself. It's also the same place where               mom had her schooling before she was shifted to the Cotton Hill Girls' High School in                         Thiruvananthapuram to do her class IX.
  (b) We'd come via Padmakumar's house at Pidavoor, a route that she loved.
  (c)  I write this as my mom lies in state. She's finally come to rest close to dad!

PS.

I'd informed both her doctors viz. Mathew Abraham and Jimmy Francis about the developments while we're enroute to Raj Nivas. They expressed shock and were pained to hear the news. It was clear that even her doctors had a soft corner for her and cherished their friendship with her through her winsome behaviour!

A hazy Saturday!

The day had begun on a dull note with rains pitter pattering in the morning. Something deep within me seemed to be apprehensive over something that I couldn't put my finger on. Mom was okay but not okay, either. Just waiting for Jimmy's advice on the new dosage of the Syndopa Plus that he's gonna do on Monday, on return from Kumarakom!

Of late, she has this habit of dozing off if not engaged in conversation but otherwise joined Lekha and me in all our activities. We spoke but not as voluble as before.

I'd gone to the town to pull out some money from the ATM and buy medicines for us. When I'd returned mom was wanting to know as to where I'd been because she wanted me to be around her all the time.

A lunch followed by siesta and we're together for tea when mom relished her biscuit and I was glad that she was back to being her normal self. When I went out for my walk she'd asked me to return before the rains fell. She was also not happy that I'd gone to my neighbour for happy hours.

Back by 2115 hrs, she was pretty unhappy with me for being away. I could mollify her and had promised to sleep in her room so that she didn't have to fear the night!


Tailpiece.

A hazy day, with plenty of butterflies in my stomach. Wonder why?

Reality bytes nay, 'bites'!

1. Do Not Want to Shun Existing Practices!

During my recent visit to Thiruvananthapuram, to attend an official programme, I was interacting with the genial Mohan, who was driving Maman's car for the occasion. He has two sons, the elder one working in a travel agency, like himself, while the younger one was doing graduation in Commerce in a reputed college. He has four taxis that he provides the agency on hire. He's disappointed under the present circumstances as the business has gone dull thanks to the Uber and Ola taxi services, which provide quality service with reasonable rates, coupled with pleasant experiences, for the customers.

In fact, the taxi and the auto rickshaw drivers are facing the heat and they've been trying their best to put the spanner on the Uber and Ola taxi services, using the government and the trade unions. How they fleece the common man needs no elaboration here. The sad fact is that instead of asking them to follow correct practices the government has, curiously, turned the heat on these companies. Why do we egg on these people who follow corrupt practices?

2. Another Hartal that Brought the Country to a Grinding Halt! 

Today's all India strike by the trade unions is yet another example of coercive tactics, taking over reasonableness, to achieve unnecessary demands in the name of the worker. Though the Bharathiya Mazdoor Sangh - BMS, the trade union that has its affiliations to the BJP stayed out of the strike, in Kerala, they weren't allowed to work by the rest! Productivity was down and man hours wasted - the usual narrative of such a script - was the outcome.

The ultimate loser is the country. Why don't we ensure that we don't do things that would harm the country? For that, we need to love our country and be ready to sacrifice our personal requirements, for its good. But who cares? The self seeking politician is the worst culprit in this regard.

3. An Incorrigible Lot.

There were a few nagging electrical and plumbing problems in the house. I'd spoken to a local guy, Sajeev, the day before when he'd offered to come at 10 AM to do the jobs. Not sighting him at the appointed hour, I'd called him on his cellphone but alas, he refused to attend the phone. I can't understand the mentality of these guys because are they aware that it's bad manners not to attend a call/give a return call the moment the reason for the busy schedule has passed?

It's a strange situation in that one has the money but still can't get things done at the time of one's choice! We're in God's own country, with Devil's own people, remember?


Tailpiece.

1. Our neighbours had called on to look up mom. A nice gesture on their part! Mom was very happy.

2. Made a dash to the chemist to buy the 'adult diapers' for mom after obtaining her clearance. Had walked the onward distance but took lift for the return trip on Madhu, the salesman's two wheeler which he was glad to offer. There were no vehicles plying on the road thanks to the hartal, remember?

A listless Thursday!

The day had begun on a dull note with threatening rains and missed visits by guys who'd promised to come to effect repairs on the electrical/plumbing side as well as masonry work in the kitchen. What irritated me was that one of the guys even avoided answering the calls, which he was not supposed to do! One was not going to do something drastic if he'd called up to say that he wouldn't be coming due to some work/issue that had cropped up all of a sudden!

Mom continued to be listless and helpless. Jimmy Francis, MD had come by after teatime to look her up and I'd a list of observations jotted down on a scribble pad to ensure that I didn't miss out on any of them. His verdict drove home the message that her Parkinson's Syndrome to be brought under control, needed an extra dosage of the Syndopa Plus! And I'd stoutly resisted the raising of dosage with Mathew Abraham, the neuro-physician, during the month of April as I thought it to be an over reaction on the part of the doctor because my mom looked perfectly okay!

The dosage has since been increased to a tablet, each, thrice a day over the last month with a ten day observation after each increase. Jimmy Francis, now says that it has to be further raised to a tablet each, four times a day! That would be a bit harsh and what frightens me are the following prospects:-

    (a) The syndrome can only be controlled and the rate of deterioration slowed, by medicines.
    (b) A time will reach when medicines start losing their influence and the condition of the patient
          deteriorates drastically.

Only wish that mom pulls back to her usual self with the present increase in dosage over the next few days. Our maid has taken on the job of giving her a bath every morning which she has grudgingly approved.

The next few days are gonna be crucial.


Tailpiece.

Lekha showed me a developing oedema on both her legs. Padmanabha Shenoy, her doctor, had reluctantly reduced the intake of Folitrax from 17.5 mg to 12.5 mg every Saturday, due to her abdominal pains. Jyoshid, the plastic surgeon, had told her that an oedema had to be prevented, at any cost, for her graft to remain in position!

That's the dilemma I'm in. Anyway, I'm gonna give her the previous dosage of Folitrax this Saturday! I'm a doctor, sans the degree, by virtue of my vast(?) experience, you see!