When people wear masks.

Though we'd kicked off from Guruvayur for Kochi by a quarter to 10, a deadly combination of rains, potholed roads and lousy traffic saw us crawling through a distance of roughly 100 kms, for over three and a half hours, to make it just in time for the last rites of Kamalamma Pillai. Everyone of her immediate family had mustered finally and her wait for four days at a morgue close by had gotten over when the body was brought into the house by about 9 AM. Her son and the youngest daughter had fetched up from London by the early morning flight.

As we entered the hall where she lay in state, most of the ceremony was over and we're being awaited to say our prayers so that they could cover the face with the shroud, blanking her mortal form that we're so familiar with, forever before consigning to the flames. It was as though my cousin's mom was waiting for us........ She seemed to be as though in deep slumber tired, after a long journey.

The son and the two younger daughters, along with their children showed a lot of emotions and helplessness at the goings on. To me, since I knew the background, it was mere playacting and I wondered at people's ability to fib and hoodwink the others. Whom were they trying to impress? I was seething with rage deep within because there were so many times when the old lady had imagined that her son would come down to see her during the seven month long period of her hospitalisation. She doted on him and blamed the daughter-in-law for his erratic behaviour! Was his materialistic world greater than his mother's love?

What irritates me further is the inordinate levels, people like him go through during the after death ceremonies and do absurd things like spending a fortune to deposit figurines, in gold, at some sacred place to please(?) the departed soul, if you please. Had he and his family taken some time off and visited the old lady at her hospital bed, she'd have been blissfully happy!

Hypocrisy at its best or worst? .....Will he be able to satisfy his conscience, ever?


Tailpiece.

We bid farewell to Prabha, the eldest of the cousins. The poor girl had tried her best to avoid amputation of her mom's problem leg because she knew that she'd never be able to accept it - she was successful in warding it off for seven months and then, the events had overtaken her.

The return drive was equally bad with rains and the same miserable roads, with a generous sprinkling of ill mannered motorists!  

When the wish to live dies........

I've noticed a discernible pattern in the manner in which two of the people close to us - Kamalamma Pillai and Usha Sasidharan - had gone through their final moments of their lives. I must admit that my deductions are based on the recounts from the bystanders and attendants who're with the two ladies in those times. Both of them had lost the wish to live......

Let me dwell a bit more upon it without sounding morbid.

Kamalamma Pillai's medical condition had started improving and the doctor had said that she could be shifted out of the Coronary Care Unit, once she was out of her stupor caused by the powerful medicines being pumped into her. Tragedy struck at the moment - while she was out of her medicinal haze - when she realised that her leg had been amputated and as my cousin says, "there was a look of utter helplessness and despair on her face". After that, her parameters had started misbehaving and it did not take much time for the end.

In a similar vein, Usha Sasidharan had been admitted to the hospital a fortnight back because her lungs were unable to cope with the supply of fresh air for her system. Similar conditions had been successfully overcome by her earlier and she hoped that it would be only a matter of time before she regained her rhythm. But sometime in between, her grandson was brought in to be with her and it was then that she realised that she'd lost her power of speech. Realising that this time it was graver - never to recover - she started slipping....the end wasn't far.

There's another interpretation. When the script of one's life comes to its final stages, the wish to live goes off....perhaps!


Tailpiece.

1. The return journey from Chengannur by train took longer than usual thanks to the many crossings and overtakings. By the time I'd reached home, it was well beyond half past 9!

2. Tomorrow is another long day when we've to be at Kochi to bid adieu to Kamalamma Pillai on her final journey. Her son is fetching up from abroad by the early morning flight.

Adieu Mrs. Usha Sasidharan!

Lekha and me were a bit late in befriending this fantastic lady. In fact, Commodore GN Sasidharan and his wife made an elegant couple and moved in as our neighbours in '99 when he'd taken over the command of INS Venduruthy.

Professional necessities saw us interacting almost on a daily basis and every meeting enriched my knowledge. But it was on the social front that our relationship had gathered impetus. It all began like this when one evening the telephone had rung and the Commodore was on the line, "Rajeev, what are you both doing this evening? If you're free, please join us for dinner. Sorry for the short notice". And that was that!

We'd the privilege of interacting with and getting to know Usha Sasidharan well and from then on there was no looking back. We used to be permanent invitees at the special occasions that they hosted and she used to make sure that we got a share of every interesting dish that came out of her kitchen. I think she and Lekha had a very special relationship where they shared their innermost thoughts!

We'd visited them at their home a few months back and subsequently, had seen them at an official function a couple of months back and she seemed to have come out of her medical problems. She was curious to know about our life at Guruvayur and had promised to visit us. But her promise seems to have been in vain.

She passed into the mist of time early in the morning today.

RIP ma'am! They don't make 'em people like you any more!! We shall miss you till our very end and here's wishing that the family is able to tide over these difficult times.


Tailpiece.

The funeral is gonna be at Chengannur tomorrow and we shall be there to give her our salute on her final journey. 

Back home at Guruvayur!

Despite the diktat that we'd be leaving the guesthouse by 9, by the time the group of thirteen had finished their morning act it was a half past 10. No sooner had we bid farewell to Dorai and Aiyappan who'd tended the kitchen so well, Kartik, our shy but knowledgeable guide and the forest officials, our cellphones had gotten active and much to my astonishment, there were many callers who seemed to have missed me.

We're in Thrissur by 1 o'clock and it was nice seeing Vijayakumar trying to find a suitable eatery so that they could see me off after lunch despite my insistence that I could have it after reaching home. Anyways, ultimately it turned out the way I'd wanted it to be while the rest of the group continued their journey towards Thiruvananthapuram.

The walk in the evening was nice and I'd made it a point to do a gruelling pace to make up for the comparative inactivity over the last couple of days.

My aunt's funeral will take place on Friday, when her two remaining children arrive from London.

Vijayan, the caretaker of my father's house, had called up to say that the Ramayana recital at the family temple had gone off fine and that he'd overseen the overall arrangements. He'd also reported that he'd given a piece of my mind to the organisers of the event for switching dates without keeping me informed, which should have been done as a matter of principle.


Tailpiece.

Lekha's recital of the Ramayana is going on without hiccups. She tells me that though she doesn't comprehend the meaning of certain words, the recital gives her a tremendous thrill and enjoyment. Reminds me of the way I feel on my rendition of the Vishnu sahasranamasthothram everyday!

   

At the Parambikulam Tiger Reserve.

Dateline 27 Jul.

The day had begun on a rainy note and hence, the trek that was planned for the few enthusiasts among us had to be called off. Instead, we're taken on a long and informative safari where we could see almost all the animals but for the tiger - they, obviously, had better things to do rather than oblige us with a glimpse of themselves!

The thrill of the day was when we went rafting in the catchment area, infested with alligators! The sheer excitement of such interesting activity must have banished even a hint of a negative thought - on a probable misadventure - that might have crept into anyone's mind! The clean water of the lake is used for drinking and therefore, motor boats are banned from use.

We could substitute the intended trek with a walk over a stretch of over a couple of kilometers after teatime, dodging the rains. Anita and Sindhu are ardent bird-watchers and they took it upon themselves to educate the rest of us to identify the birds by virtue of the sounds and calls that they made!

And as we turned in for the night, on the second day of our stay out here, there was a flashback that was being played out - Laxman(293), Mohanachandran(428), Rajeev(519) and Vijayakumar(526) of the SSKZM's class of '72, the numbers within brackets denote the roll numbers - were sprawled on the floor of the guesthouse's main hall, reliving their dormitory days at school!



Tailpiece.

My cousin, Prabha's mom passed away this evening around 6. It was the culmination of a seven month long stay in four hospitals. The only comforting thought is that it has spared her the agony of living with an amputated leg, which she could never, ever have reconciled with!

RIP, Kamalamma Pillai aunty! I can never forget the love that you'd showered upon me and the deep concern that you had when Lekha was in the hospital. Our prayers and tears.

PS.

Would she've lived on had I met her last week at the ICU, I wonder?

  

A day when things moved awfully fast!

Dateline 26 Jul.

My sister, from Bangalore, had called up last evening and suggested that I made an offering to our departed relations on the day of the 'Karkidaku Vaavu'. Accordingly, this morning, I'd gone as per instructions and placed the offering on one of the posts of our boundary wall. For some inexplicable reason the crows were nowhere in sight to swoop down on the food on offer. Sceptics interpret such a situation as the souls, who're being remembered during the occasion, being displeased with the process of offering and if that be the case, I must take the blame!

But seeing it through a practical angle, doesn't it show the reduction in the population of the crows, in general? And the ones, that are available, are busy elsewhere as similar offerings were being made all over!

I'd driven off to Thrissur by a half past 9 to join up with my friends who're on a pre-planned trip to the 'Parambikulam Tiger Reserve', about 150 kms away on the Tamilnadu - Kerala border beyond 'Top Slip' - another beautiful hill station on the Tamilnadu side. The journey, through intermittent rains, was nice with many sights as feast to the eyes. We'd reached the sanctuary before 3, in the afternoon and were taken around on a conducted tour, the highlight of which was a cultural programme put up by the local people - the population consists of four tribes viz. the Malasars, the Kaadars, the Muduvas and the Malamalasars. The group dance played by the girls, making shrill noises in the course of their rhythmic movements - based on a ritual performed to keep the animals away from the settlements - was a real stunner and a visual treat!

By the time we'd settled in our beds, it was close to midnight. The premises of the guest house that we're put up is frequented by elephants, they said. But never had I felt so safe!


Tailpiece.

Despite the rains, one could notice that the reservoir was not yet filled to capacity, foreboding a severe power crunch in the days to come. But who's bothered about the distant future when there was so much to enjoy around, here and now!    

Remembering my ammachi, Mrs PN Panicker.

Exactly 23 years back on this very same wretched day, my grandmother had passed into the mist of time. The sad fact was that I was doing a course at Ooty and my folks considered it prudent not to inform me lest it would affect my performance! Little did they realise that a significant part, deep within me, had died that day. I could never think of a single day without her because she'd meant so much to me.

I mean, how can I ever forget all that she'd done for me like:-

    (a) She'd taken the role of my mom as she'd gone on to take up the job of a post mistress in my dad's
          village.
    (b) She used to help me with my uniform, watch me go along with the teacher till we turned around the
          bend and would be in that same position when we returned from school in the evening.
    (c) The way she'd cried when I left home to join the boarding school in class VII.
    (d) The food - my favourites - that were prepared everyday from day one of my vacation.
    (e) The movies - usually, the matinee shows - that we used to go and watch. We'd the same favourites,
          in terms of actors and actresses, you see!
    (f)  She'd wait for my return, on vacation, to see the family doctor for her ailments. But sadly, she didn't
          tell me about her problematic heart at all.

What's more remarkable was that she'd showered her unrestrained love and affection on me when she'd a son - my second uncle, who's six months younger to me! And the beauty about it is that he has never grudged it even to this day, which is a testimony of his greatness!!

RIP, Ammachi! I'll continue to miss you till my very end because I've learnt what love is, from you.


Tailpiece.

Twenty three years have not weathered my deep bonds for her. I can feel her around me every time I think about her and probably, she's around me as I punch in these thoughts!