Paraprosdokians and puns.

Paraprosdokians. Is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and often humorous. 

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for for natural stupidity.

* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

* I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

* Take my advice; I'm not using it.

* My wife and I were happy for twenty five years; then we met.

* Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

* Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

* Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

* Women sometimes make fools of men but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

* I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one.

* Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

* I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today but I couldn't find it.

* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 

* If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll be stationery.

* Money is the root of all wealth.

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Puns

* My best mates and I played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours.....Well, good friends are hard to find.

* You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

* I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

* Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

* Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

* And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you'll receive eternal life". 

But John came fifth and he got hell.

* What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

* Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda? 

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

* How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

* To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing.

* Son : "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

Dad : "No sun".

* My math teacher called me average. How mean!

* Clinic receptionist : "Doctor, there's patient on line says he's become invisible".

Doctor : "Well, tell him I can't see him right now".

Tailpiece.

Got up around 6, the chores and was ready by 10. Another of those quiet days when Kittu kept us amused!