I haven't been able to reconcile, as yet, to a life without mom. As I see her elegant, loving and smiling face from a recent photograph of her's, on the smallish table in the sitting room of the Raj Nivas, an overwhelming sense of guilt sweeps me for not doing enough before letting her pass into the mist of time. Consider these:-
* Why did I take her along and traverse almost 600 kms to attend a wedding while she was on a
course of antibiotics for her urinary tract infection? The weakness consequent to the trip
persisted till her last breath. She was also insistent on meeting up with Pidavoor amma who'd
had a fall recently!
* Why did I not seek the indulgence of Guruvayoorappan to take care of her? Last time, I'd done a
'sayanapradakshinam' for her early recovery and good health!
* Why did I not get her hospitalised while seeing her weakness persist? The two visits by the
medical specialist and his assurance that I'd nothing to worry, along with the suggestion of fine
tuning the dosage of the Syndopa Plus for her Parkinson's Syndrome after the weekend, had
lulled me into a false sense of relief!
* Why did I not hug her while at the ICU and egg her on to fight it out rather than just gesturing
with my hands after calling her attention? That should have done the trick and mom would have
been amid us even now and I shall always blame me for that unacceptable faux pas!
The zest for life begins to ebb when one loses one's near and dear ones. Appooppan, Ammoomma, Ammachi, Muthachan, Dad and now, Mom...........the list is endless. They'd showered me with their unrestrained love and affection and have made me what I am. The emptiness caused by their absence is biting.....
Life has not been easy over the last few days despite the close company of Lekha and my sisters, with relations and friends coming by, to console us, with a remarkable regularity.
There were rains early morning and Mani had come late. The wetness of the ground made the activation of the makeshift stove difficult which delayed the cooking of the rice that was to be provided as offering consequent to the 'bali' ceremony!